“A boundary is a limit or edge that defines you as separate from others”
Boundaries can take many forms. They can range from being rigid and strict to appearing almost non-existent.
If you have more rigid boundaries, you might:
- keep others at a distance
- seem detached, even with intimate partners
- have few close relationships
- avoid close relationships
If you have more loose or open boundaries, you might:
- get too involved with others’ problems
- find it difficult to say “no” to others’ requests
- overshare personal information with others
- seek to please others for fear of rejection
A person with healthy boundaries understands that making their expectations clear helps in two ways: it establishes what behaviour you will accept from other people, and it establishes what behaviour other people can expect from you. If you have healthy boundaries, you might:
- share personal information appropriately (not too much or not too little)
- understand your personal needs and wants and know how to communicate them
- value your own opinions
- accept when others tell you “no”
Many of us have a mix of boundaries depending on the situation. For example, you might have strict boundaries at work and more loose ones at home or with family and friends.
There might even be different boundaries based on a person’s culture. For example, some cultures find that sharing personal information is not appropriate at any time, while in other cultures, sharing might be encouraged at all times.
Setting healthy boundaries requires self-awareness. We need to be clear about our expectations of ourselves and others, and what we are and are not comfortable with in specific situations. Setting healthy boundaries requires good communication skills that convey assertiveness and clarity.
Assertiveness involves expressing your feelings openly and respectfully. It does not entail making demands, but it requires people to listen to you. Setting healthy boundaries requires you to assert your needs and priorities as a form of self-care. Outlines of three easy steps to setting healthy boundaries:
Step 1. Be as clear and as straightforward as possible. Do not raise your voice.
Step 2. State your need or request directly in terms of what you’d like, rather than what you don’t want or like.
Step 3. Accept any discomfort that arises as a result, whether it’s guilt, shame, or remorse.
The third step is common for people with poor boundaries, co-dependancy. issues, or are people pleasers. Sometimes, adults have been raised by childhood carers who’ve taught them that expressing their needs is bad and selfish. However, not accepting the discomfort that comes from setting healthy boundaries in adulthood means settling for unhealthy relationships that can cause resentment, manipulation, and abuse.